I Have How Much?

I went grocery shopping today.  It is a bit stressful with two children in tow.  There is a constant attempt to control the chaos that ensues as it always takes me longer than I expect and children have this nasty tendency to get ornery and tired.  


I consider grocery shopping trips successful if I can stay within budget and somehow manage to get everything on my list.  Therefore, most of my shopping trips are failures.  During my pre-food stamps era, I was the total nerd dragging the calculator with me down each isle, meticulously adding my purchases and always being forced to put things back or just leave without needed ingredients because my budget was spent.  Somehow, I had it reasoned out that if I didn't have the correct ingredients I would certainly be able to find something in my cupboard at home as a substitute.  (This could be the reason why my cooking is not up to par.  Apparently, some recipes require you to have all ingredients and substitutes do NOT work.)


Some people, like my husband, find this process enjoyable.  They slowly peruse down each isle day dreaming of the fantastic concoctions they can create and even the intoxicating smells that a certain ingredient might permeate through their kitchen.  This is not me.  I get so stressed about how much it costs that I get gradually more and more agitated the longer I am there.  Insert a fit-throwing child into the mix and it is a recipe for disaster.


Now that I have a food stamps, I am more agitated than ever.  Before I even embark to the store I plan meticulously my meals for the upcoming days and write a detailed list.  We just moved here -so I am not fully familiar with the locations or sales at each store location making my anxiety exponentially higher.  


The minute I make that turn into the parking my heart rate inrcreases, perspiration begins and my fight-or-flight response tells me to turn around.  I would love to just send my husband to the store in my behalf...but he is working so hard studying so we can someday get off of the food stamps- I cannot bear adding another burden on him.  Besides, if someone happened to check who was supposed to have the card we could get in trouble because I am the one authorized to use it.  My worst nightmare is being accused of  fraudulently using a food stamps card...can you think of anything lower than doing that?  


I find a parking spot next to a cart return (always easier with kids). At this particular store they actually have special parking for parents with small children adjacent to the handicapped parking.  I feel like such a lowlife parasite in using the food stamps card I can't bear the thought of using the special parking space too.  I may not have much...but I have the strength to walk myself and children the same distance everyone else does.  


Before I get out I remember that the food stamps card works like a debit card and must have a pin number associated with it.  I call the number on the paperwork they gave me and follow the automated instruction to set my pin.  Then the female computer voice asks me if I want to know my current balance.  Sure.  I press one and she replies an absurd number.  I wait and press one again.  She says the same number again.  I am baffled.  I call my husband and ask him if this is right.  He says he doesn't know so I call the automated service again and it repeats the same information back to me.  Huh.  


I've been given $685 for this month and a reimbursement of $385 for the previous month in which I applied.  This is a LOT more than I normally spent on groceries AND toiletries combined and I can only spend the food stamp money on food items.  I am beginning to see why people stay on public assistance. 


I tear up my list and walk in the store...ready to leisurely peruse each and every isle.  Wouldn't you if you suddenly had over $1,000 of someone else's money to spend?  It's a strange world we live in.