Diamond? What Diamond?

I am a believer in dressing yourself properly.  As a mostly stay-at-home-mom this means I am often in sweats with a tiny ponytail jutting out the back of my head.  But no matter what your weight I think it is nice to have clothing that fits and looks nice...until now.  

When my first child was a newborn I became a huge fan of the show "What Not to Wear."  I would sit and watch it so often my tiny baby began to turn her head toward the TV whenever she heard the theme song.  I loved watching the powerful transformations of these previously ill dressed, insecure women blossoming in to their best selves.  Motivated by this TV show I walked into my closet one day and decided that rather than try on each and every item of clothing to see if it was too tight on my postpartum body, I chose to deposit everything in a trash bag and take it to my local consignment store.

For a while, I had no clothes.  Eventually, I earned some decent money from my clothings' sale and used it to buy new clothes.  So, gleaning from the television show, I forced myself to try on each item and only buy things that were flattering making my clothing options fewer but of higher quality.

Since the birth of my second child I've occasionally been inspired to step out of the sweats and into some of my more flattering clothing I purchased to remind myself of the previously sexy woman I used to be.  I know I was sexy enough at some point to get pregnant twice right? ;)

Sometimes I try to consciously put on make up, find a neglected accessory and some heels just to go the grocery store.  It makes me feel feminine, I carry myself with more confidence and I think my high heels get lonely if I don't wear them every once in a while.  

The day of my first appointment at the WIC office I thought about what I was going to wear.  I couldn't fit into my jeans yet and I had some skirts...but they look better with heels-which is not an option since my back is still sore from being pregnant.  I settled on my favorite cargo style pants.  They aren't gorgeous, and were actually bought from a donations store but the drawstring doesn't cut into my baby belly to give me a "muffin top" and somehow the back pockets seem to be placed in perfect positions to flatter my backside...(who doesn't want the best look possible for their tushie?)  I threw on a nicely tailored white shirt and my red leather sandals.  Not fabulous, but not bad for a woman with a new baby.

WIC stands for Women Infants and Children.  They give assitance to pregnant and nursing mothers along with their children up to age 3.  The process for getting this assistance is different than food stamps or medicaid.  Rather than fill out a form and sending it to an unknown location for a non-English speaking worker to review, you have to physically go to their office.  This is where I decided to go in my cargo pants and red sandals as my first encounter with government aide.

I would like to think of myself as accepting, loving and having a general respect for my fellowman.  But I embarrassingly admit that 5 seconds after opening the door to the WIC clinic I looked down at my left hand and quickly turned my diamond ring around so the stone was not visible.  Part of me turned the ring around because the people in the clinic are "really" poor and I'm "student" poor so I don't want them to feel bad.  Another part of me hid the ring because I really wanted the WIC benefits and I didn't want any of the underpaid workers to see the ring and deny us benefits.  Lastly, and worstly, I saw that I was the only white person in the room, including the employees and didn't want have it stolen.  


Maybe I'm a horrible person for thinking someone would rob me...but after the cop stories my husband brought home I am skeptical of everyone.  If I'm not a horrible person for that reason, I am definitely horrible because while I am sitting behind the two unmarried, teenage, black women and next to the unmarried Mexican woman who does not speak English, I think to myself, "I'm better than they are.  I'm married.  My children have the same father and I was married before I had children.  I'm educated.  I speak English.  I read to my children.  My children are well behaved and clean.  I'm only getting WIC because my husband is in school."  blah, blah, blah, blah.  


In the end, I am in the same office asking for the same help that they are.  No matter how I justify my position, I am at the same level.  I can think of myself as better than them because I know my situation is temporary.  But then I realized what a level of despair they must feel to not have such confidence in a better future. 


 I hate people who abuse the aide system.  Everyone should be required to be a US citizen and have a plan and limit to no longer getting food stamps...but I now have empathy for the people in those offices.  If you had people like me forever saying they are better than you...you just might start to believe it, and with that belief comes the diminished capacity to achieve.  And if you can't achieve--you condemn yourself to a depressing existence waiting in the WIC office until your oldest daughter gets pregnant at age 12 and then you can wait with her.

Don't Kick Me While I'm Down

Anyone who has sat in the waiting room of the DMV knows the government it not a well-oiled machine.  The right hand has no idea what the left hand is doing so all you can do is pray to the paperwork God's that you filled out everything out correctly cuz if you didn't its back to paperwork hell and another line for you!

I completed the paperwork.  I checked and rechecked our applications.  I kept all the information I've been sent and yet, I am still so confused I find myself crying to strangers on a regular basis.  Navigating government aide is so hard I am certain that those who use these programs their entire lives are definitely smart enough to get a job if they can navigate this system.

 I have a wonderful three month old baby.  She is healthy and happy.  This is a great thing because she has not been to the doctor since she was two weeks old.

I haven't taken her in because we were in the process of moving and then I applied for Medicaid.  My caseworker told me over the phone that we do not qualify for Medicaid because we have over $2,000 in savings.  Basically, if I wanted to qualify for Medicaid I had to be irresponsible with our money and blow it all, put the money in someone else's name or I could pull it out of our bank account and hide it as cash.  

Changing the name on the money or pulling it out in cash would be illegal and wrong so I decided against that and found that we don't qualify.  But I think there are a lot of people I have sat with in waiting rooms recently that have lied.  The government seems to have a knack for rewarding those who are stupid with their money.  Crap-why can't my concience let me lie this once?  Oh yeah--it's cuz  I don't want to be a leech forever.


On the bright side, I believe my caseworker said my children may qualify for CHIP (a low cost government insurance that is separate from Medicaid).  At least I think that is what he told me...he didn't speak clear English so I can't be sure.


It's like winning the poor person's lottery when you get a letter saying you qualify for a government program.  Having government health insurance for my kids lifted a huge weight off my shoulders.  I didn't have money to pay for private insurance...but now if the kids get sick I can get them treatment by the graciousness of the taxpayers.  Where should I send the "Thank You" cards?


Each state runs their own CHIP program.  In my state you are sent a packet containing information on 3 different insurance "plans" you can choose from.  You pick a program and then a doctor within that program who will be your primary care physician or your "PCP".  Your co-pays and other expenses are based on your income.  We have nearly no income so we have no co-pays for doc visits and a $3 co-pay for the ER or hospital.  And the maximum we will pay in a 12 month period is $41. 


Being the dutiful mom, I asked my neighbors who the good doctors were and called them up to see if they took the CHIP program I'd chosen.  Most didn't. 


Eventually, I found a doctor and got an appointment.  My daughter would only be a few weeks behind schedule on checkups and immunizations.  Whew!  Then I got another letter.


The next letter said my infant was denied CHIP because she was already on Medicaid.  Huh?  I had not received anything from Medicaid and had been told we were denied Medicaid.  I called CHIP.  They didn't know what it meant.  Then I got a another letter from Medicaid saying if I did not choose a health plan and doctor for my daughter within 7 days they would tell me which doctor I had to go to.  I thought I didn't have Medicaid?  I was so confused.


Finally, I got hold of Medicaid.  A nice woman helped me get my youngest child enrolled in a Medicaid program and said she would help me search for a doc.  She used her computer system and searched for doctors in the area that would take my chosen Medicaid plan.  She came up with a great one near our house.  I canceled the original appointment with the doctor who took CHIP and called the new Medicaid approved doc.


I once worked for a pediatrician.  It was a lot of fun.  I loved the kids and helping people and I now want to be a pediatric nurse practitioner.  Part of my job was taking co-payments and insurance information at the beginning of patient visits.  Before I even took your blood pressure, I had to know how you were going to be paying the office.  That is how I got to know the "Medicaid mom's".  


Stereotypes are not nice...but they exist because they are true.   Medicaid moms were the women with either too little or too much makeup and rowdy, disrespectful kids who all had different fathers.  Some were clean, but the majority of our "stinky" patients were offspring of medicaid mom's.  They were also the first to complain and the last to say "thank you."  It's a different culture.


Because of this stereotype I expect to be treated a little differently when I mention to a doctors secretary that my child is on Medicaid.  Even though I expect it...it is still hard to take. 


I called the office that took my new Medicaid plan to get an appointment.  She was nice at first.  Then she asked which plan I was enrolled in.  I told her and she asked for my daughters Medicaid number.  She searched the system and informed me that even though I had enrolled in a "plan", the process would not be complete for 45 days...so they will not see me daughter until then.  What?  


It's silly, but I began to tear up.  I already felt like a horrible mom for being behind but I thought I had made up for it by being so precise and aggressive with getting CHIP as fast as I could.  Now, despite my efforts, my daughter still could not see a doctor for another 45 days!  The secretary informed me that if I wanted to have her seen I would have to find a doctor that took general Medicaid.  What the hell is general Medicaid?  I'm so confused.


I called the first doctor back and asked if anyone there took general Medicaid.  She told me they didn't and she sounded very annoyed-- so I promptly burst into tears again.  "I'm so sorry." I said, "This is so embarrassing.  We don't have insurance because my husband is in law school and my baby is already a month behind."  I sobbed.  The poor woman didn't know she was gonna talk to a basket case when she answered the phone that day :)  


She became nicer and told me she would have someone call me back.  "I don't mean to be abusing your office," I said.  "I just don't know what to do."  She told me it was ok and I apologized one more time before we hung up.


By this time my three year old had entered the room.  "Why are you crying mommy?"  she asked.  I told her I couldn't find a doctor to help her sister and I wasn't sure of what I was going to do.  She got me a paper towel to wipe my face and told me not to worry anymore.  This, of course, made me cry harder.


Eventually it came down to 3 options.  I can wait another 45 days to take the baby to the doc, I can take her to a doc far away that takes Medicaid but does not speak English very well and then switch to a different doc in 45 days, or I can pay $75 for a well-check at the doc I wanted her to go to and get her immunizations started at the free clinic in the ghetto.  I chose the ghetto.


I don't feel comfortable waiting another 45 days to take her to the doctor.  I wouldn't mind taking her to the far away doc...but I'd have to change docs and records again and I'm not certain they really take Medicaid cuz no one could give me a direct answer.  I really don't want to pay for a visit--but I can find $75 and I hate going to the free ghetto clinic but maybe this time if I get there when they open it won't be too bad. Besides, I've been to the immunization clinic before and they turned me away...which caused me to burst into tears as I tucked my tail and left.  It'll be good to pick up my bootstraps and face them again.


Bright and early Monday morning the little one and I are headed to the ghetto immunization clinic.    I pray they don't kick me while I'm down.  Wish me luck!